Awake, Yet Sound Asleep

Another page unfolds in your short little vacation. You spawn at the frontier of another leaf that you could twist and bend into endless possibilities. But you lay in your dorm... still as ever. After your mandatory 8-hour-long "nap", you aren't quite satisfied, so you continue daydreaming about where you could've been, and "where you could've been" has been plaguing your soul with an unwanted disturbance. You still can't muster up the courage to pick up your mess, your spectacularly disorganized symphony, and peak into the abyss of that shallow mirror that continues to remind you of your "imperfectionality". "I am ugly, I am weak, I am unappealing... Am I enough? ". These voices keep you stiff during the day, and disturbed during the night.

And oh boy... how are you going to climb out from this gaping pit of your insecurities? "They all have accomplished so much over these past few decades", echoes in your skull, and so their achievements make you all the more disgruntled yet static. This unsung race that you once wanted to ace will soon make you implode from within. You want it all, don't you?

Then why don't you act accordingly? Why don't you bathe your feet into the rugged sands of this racetrack? Why are you spectating from the confines of your comfy blankets? There is a whole story out there that you are unwilling to engrave into this dying leaf of an already sparse tree. Why are you exhausted out of all of your stamina when you have no responsibilities, no distractions, and most importantly no unwelcome guests coming over to sabotage your evening?

Four nights ago this was the perfect eclipse where you could finally work towards your lifelong desires and delve into things that make you whole again. There are no deadlines to meet, no inconvenient tasks to dread upon, and so you deluded yourself into the same mistake you have always been making with every break you got in your so-called "busy life", resting assured and letting your brain do the handiwork while basking in your inactive coil.

You know what you have to do... we all do, and out-thinking your way through this puzzle was never going to get you anywhere. You learned this the hard way, yet you still remain unwavering in your pursuit for eloquent daydreams over something that is physical, something that is measurable, something that has meaning, and something that will finally soothe your internal bleeding.

Why is it that way then? What's hindering you from pushing yourself over the edge. Are you scared of taking the leap? Seems like the fear of venturing into the "beyond you" has taken hold of your being. You want to play it safe, and so taking these moronic pauses helps you stay contained in a comfortable state of mediocrity, giving you a paradoxical cocktail of serene disruption that echoes through your chaotic, messy, convoluted thought-sponge.

So I have a question for you. Is this what you call living? Paralyzed in the fear of uncertainty, in the fear of not being enough, in the fear of... blah. Is playing it safe so stimulating for you that you yearn to continue doing this for the remainder of your free time? Or better yet... is this what you yearn to continue doing for the rest of this insignificant time you have on Earth?

When you put it that way, I believe the priorities become more apparent. This inertia is yet another one of your faulty illusions, that haunting thought of "never being enough" is nothing more than a fallacy that keeps you small. There you go, your bedsheets probably feel somewhat lighter now.

So will you continue to sleep 24/7? The doors are open to let your eyes open for once...